Hi, my name is Tyler. I don't know if this is the right place to post this, so please inform me if it isn't.
Anyway, I've been out as non-binary for about a year and eight months, and I'm finally getting my name legally changed by the end of November or the start of December, depending on the speed of the process. When I started thinking about my identity and realizing who I am, I got dysphoria quite fast. I was born female, and my chest is rather large, and my body type is feminine. I knew I wanted to change that as soon as I could, and in October 2017 I will be able to start the journey of getting testosterone and top surgery. My goal had been very clear to me for the past year and a half, but the day before yesterday I ran into an issue that has entirely changed my thoughts.
So far, I have been fine with my genitals, and I don't feel dysphoric about them. But I thought that testosterone would not change my vagina, which, apparently, was not the case at all. I did know that your clitoris would expand, but I had no idea it would grow as big as it does. This might not seem like a big thing, but I'm currently having a crisis of some from and I do not know what to do. I don't want my clitoris to grow at all! Other effects of taking T such as hair loss when you age has scared me before, but it is still stuff I can deal with. My genitals completely changing into something I don't want them to be, though, is a thing I am not okay with under any circumstances. This means that I will feel strong dysphoria until the day I die if I don't take T, but if I do, I'll still be dysphoric for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do. I'm not mentally stable, which is really not a good thing in this situation and it causes this to feel like a much heavier weight than it may actually be. My body is a huge part of my mental instability, and now that I know how T affects your genitals, I feel like there is a really big chance that I will never be mentally healthy again because of dysphoria. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this situation, and the fact that I'll feel horrible about myself forever makes me question whether if anything is really worth it. (note: I'm not suicidal or anything close.) Has anyone had a similar experience? I am in urgent need of advice because I'm clueless right now. Is there a way to reverse growth of the clitoris? Is there a way I can prevent it? I need help. What do I do?