What do I do?

Discussions related to nonbinary experiences, identity and expression. 'On topic' discussions that don't fit anywhere else.

What do I do?

Postby ReiAllDay » Thu May 19, 2016 5:45 am

I have recently found that I fall within the non-binary gender spectrum. It all started when my step sister started talking about how great it felt to "feel" like a girl, and how much confidence that brought her. I understand now that she was experiencing what is called gender euphoria. It caused me to deeply question myself and how I experience gender because when she said that to me, that she actually felt like a girl...well, I had no idea what that meant, and I have been told my entire life that I am a girl.
I think about when I was younger, and how I would wear all my brother's old clothes. I think about how I was younger and someone asked me if I was a boy or a girl and being insulted by that question; not because I felt my femininity was violated in some way but because of the assumption that I was one or the other. I have always detested gender roles in general, and that, in the binary at least, there's such a hard-lined distinction between male and female...I wasn't even aware of non-binary genders until my younger sibling came out as genderfluid.
It didn't go over very well in my family. My mother essentially told them that their gender didn't exist and that it would ultimately end up a phase. My family constantly misgenders my sibling and my parents refuse to buy them the proper clothes needed in order to present in a way that they prefer. It took a lot of kicking and screaming for my younger sibling to get the haircut they wanted and my mother tends to push "female" clothing on them.
As one could probably infer, seeing my family's reaction to my sibling's coming out kind of scares me to death about my own coming out. In fact, I'm even scared to take my gender seriously and truly accept that I am most likely agender because if I do that, it'll become something I'm going to have to tell others about, and I feel a lot of people just won't understand, much less, accept. I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm hiding, I don't think it was just about gender, but I have learned to keep things quiet and I have become comfortable with that. I'm so scared because I don't want this to be another thing I have to hide, and another thing that builds resentment towards those I love. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell them and feel humiliated in the face of their unacceptance or hide it, and hope I won't be bitter.
I wish so much to know other non-binary people who I can talk to on this matter, as it's becoming a pressing issue. Just knowing that there are others out there who feel as I do, I hope, will give me the strength to at least tell someone.
Even if the only people who know are those who read this..
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 4:46 am

Re: What do I do?

Postby LeeLottie » Tue May 31, 2016 4:36 pm

Hello there :)
I'm sorry that your family are so unsupportive. I too have a family who do not approve of me being non-binary gendered to the point that my mother tells people I am "f**king f**ked up in the head"...thanks, mam(!) Luckily for me, I've had the chance to distance myself from her over the years but it hasn't helped any with her constant denial of who I am really am. I just want to say that I chose to hide my identity and present as female to so many people for such a long time and it never caused me anything but misery. I was utterly terrified of what people would think when I came out and so decided not to for far too long but when I eventually decided it was time to do so (thanks to a wonderful man who I am very much in love with) it was like finally being released from my cage out into the wild. I finally felt able to just be myself around people and at long last felt comfortable within my own skin. I don't know what your family situation or home-life or support network is like so cannot speak on your behalf but I would strongly urge you to be yourself and let others know who you really are. Your family love you I'm sure and will come to accept it eventually. Good luck on the adventure that is your life! Stay strong and stay true to your inner self!
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Joined: Tue May 31, 2016 4:11 pm

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